i gotta big ego
Image by Michelé Eyenga
On Thursday, I recalled that experience I could’ve prevented, the actions I could’ve taken and the decision I could’ve made. As I recall my obsession with controlling narratives, I’d realize it ain’t my heart, it’s my ego. With a stellium in Leo, I take accountability for having “Main Character Syndrome.” Despite my efforts of coercion and persuasive language, I become too proud when I don’t get what I want and the failed attempt resorts to insecurity; I begin internalizing the behaviors and actions of others when not affirmed or validated. This truth about myself showed up mostly when I spotted incompatibility in my relationships, especially the ones where sex was involved. As a sensuous, charming individual by nature, who enjoys sex, I still have an emotional philosophy to the act. And, although I have a very positive and open relationship to eroticism, I tend to forget the majority of my counterparts (men) do not and I struggled with being cast with the jezebel trope. So, when I let my guard down, making myself vulnerable whilst sacrificing my dignity for the sake of other’s approval, it has left me stewing in a pit of betrayal. And while it is so much easier to point blame towards the other party, I subconsciously knew this betrayal I felt was my own.
Judgment and arrogance towards those around us are merely projections of how we judge and perceive our own character. Annoyance and anger are simply by-products of subconscious feelings of shame, embarrassment and humiliation. These subconscious feelings lead us to internalize external perceptions of our own image and an addiction to seeking outside validation for our own self-acceptance. But what we experience isn't a heartache, it’s just stomach pain. I like to call pride. Pride drives us to prove a point and overtly explain our perspective, to get our lick back and hope for karma. These envious ideologies enable us to ignore the core subconscious feelings related to our ego, which needs comfort too. In an attempt to embrace our vulnerabilities and triggers, we develop the courage to let go of what we cannot control and take control of the things we can.
Here are some things I like to do for solar plexus healing:
🦁 Set aside time to pray for self-forgiveness (serenity prayer)
🦁 Burn Frankincense when seeking motivation
🦁Corepower yoga
🦁 Mist myself with “mother king” when agitated